Monday, 6 April 2015

Seeing The Pain In Others

Seeing and hearing others going through the same pain that I've been through is extremely painful beyond words... it angers and upsets me so much that this monster of an illness is destroying people and their families. It angers me how much it destroys your mind, how worthless and disgusting it makes you feel, all it's mind games, torture, how helpless and hopeless it makes you and everyone around you feel and how it will stop at nothing to have you dead.

It can start off all so innocently and by the time you realise it you are in a big black world, you can't stop, the monster has your soul and you do as it commands, it is your best friend and your lover. It's hard to make sense of it all because you don't even understand what's really going on it takes over your mind in a heart beat and destroys every part of you and your world. 

I understand choosing recovery and I understand not choosing recovery and how much only you can save yourself which is a scary and harsh reality of it all and you have to be the one to fight the monster within. All the pain, worthlessness and mental anguish the monster causes you makes you feel like you don't want to or deserve to live so you don't have to deal with it anymore and it keeps you going around on a hellish ride making you feel lost, stuck, broken and alone. It feels like the dementors are sucking your soul and unless you unleash your magic it will take you completely.
What everyone sees as recovery for you is completely different to how the monster in your head sees it... to how you see it... in fact it doesn't want any part of it and is quick to stomp, squash and throw away the idea and it is off on another rage of making sure you know how worthless, useless and a disgusting human being you are for allowing such a rude, unspoken and treacherous idea into your mind. It has endless ammo, motivation, power and your soul to make sure you fear anything and everything and to listen and follow its commands because after all, all it wants is for you to be dead.
The truth is how your recovery turns out is most likely different to how everyone pictures it. Don't get me wrong it is the hardest most painful thing you do in your life but one of the best and most beautiful. My dreams and the rebel in me became the one of most powerful ammo's back and still to this day when I feel like relapsing they are a big part of what keeps me going. You have the power to choose what recovery means... fuck all the medical bullshit but what do you want? What do you want to become, achieve and do? Believe it, set goals, visualise it while you eat and find the rebel in you to became what the monster says you can't!
When I see, hear and talk to people who share the pain I try and offer a place of support and understanding so they feel like they aren't alone and there is a way out. I also try and put all my pain and anger into my training and into the person I want to be to inspire those people hoping that one day my story will inspire and change someone's life and the world like so many others have done and continue to do for me. When I feel like relapsing or feeling like my life isn't going well I think of the people who don't have a voice... and need one because I too was once that girl who didn't have one and didn't know how to get out. 
With Love
Rainbow :) xoxo

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