Monday, 26 September 2016

Saving Yourself...

6 years ago I wrote "Someone Pretty, Skinny and Never Me"...

"That guy that I like will always go for other girls, the pretty skinny ones, never me. Why can't I find someone? Why don't they go for me? I'm just too fat and ugly aren't I?!?!. There's something wrong with me, why isn't he interested in me? I'm just not good enough!"

This is hard to read and to share because it shows how worthless I felt, how lost I was and a part of how much I hated myself. 

I thought if I had a boyfriend I would finally be good enough, I would be worthy, it would make everything better or that if a guy loved me then It could show me how to love myself, I wanted a guy to hold my hand, to lead the way/teach me and help me through the darkness in my life so I didn't have to walk that pitch black place by myself, in which I didn't even know how the hell I could possibly ever get out of... let alone doing it by myself... I wanted a guy to save me.

No guy ever came to save me and well this one time I went out with a guy for 3 weeks... LOL XD (Can't really call that going out but you know) it made the voices in my head worse... "I had to eat less otherwise he would breakup with me for not being good enough, too fat, too ugly", when he did "break up" with me it confirmed exactly that and I proceeded to destroy myself over it. Let's just say Anorexia and self hatred are bitches with hella cruel games.

I saved myself and I continue to this day to do so. I saved myself through going after my dreams, through the self love lists and movement that Gala Darling has created, through therapy, through my training and the personal trainers that have helped me along the way, through my supportive parents and people that I've meet along the way, through helping and inspiring others and through making that choice to save myself over and over again. I created myself and I'm glad that no guy ever came to save me... It's been a hard, painful and long road and honestly it still is but it has given me strength, wisdom and lessons that I'm so proud to call my own... It's given me the gift of me and life.

Please know you have the power within you, around you and out in the world to save yourself no matter how impossible and out of reach you may think that is, your worth can be found within, in healthy outlets and healing places, it takes time... a lot of time, there are a lot ups and downs, steps forward and steps back but there is a hero always within waiting to break free and to help you find your way.   

With magic from me to you
Rainbow :) xoxo